Ground Hog Day: Retire Sloan Returns

DDD is otherwise engaged this evening so he has asked me to fulfill your gonzo, esoteric Jazz blog needs...so of course like an idiot, I agreed.

We are recovering Jazz addicts, but have successfully freed ourselves from the disease -- and it is a disease, don't tell yourself otherwise. After treatment we have moved closer to our goal: becoming glass-of-wine-before-bed fans, rather than Jager-for-breakfast fanatics.

So in a binge--that hopefully won't lead to a binder!--here are my playoff prescriptions for the organization known as your Utah Jazz.

1. Instead of putting Da' Bear on a Harley Davidson, have Jerry Sloan enter the arena on an airbrushed John Deer Tractor from hell. This move must coincide with another bold, but inevitable milestone...

2. The Jazz need to become the first NBA team to adorn their team in purple overalls...Harpring being the lone exception, he would be allowed/required to play in a full football pads; on the side of his helmet would be inscribed "Little Jerry Learns to Fly" ... every time Matto hits the hardwood slipping on an imaginary wet spot, a little yellow banana peel sticker would be added to his head gear. The added bonus to this little uniform change is that the KJZZ team could finally superimpose the red ten-yard-line in their broadcast so we know exactly how many yards Matty has gained on each "possession." (If Matty ever actually completes an "and one," he must attempt to spot kick the extra point.)

3. Andrei Kirilinko's official nickname must be changed from "AK-47" to "Alyosha Karamazov." Instead of going to the bench every time he is irrationally withdrawn from game, he needs to serve a penance in a candle lit mini-orthodox cathedral installed near the end of the bench. Why? So he can grapple with his soul and contemplate why it is so darn un-Harpring like...he must take notes and turn in an essay on the topic of, "If Sloan does not exist, is everything is permitted?" The other side of this coin is that Boozer must have a hammock installed behind each hoop. This man needs his rest! This way after each offensive play, he could finally get the nap time he deserves; and if Harpring isn't on the floor doing snow angels, he can give C-BoozLLC a quick fluffer the while ball boys him with palm fronds.